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 By Belliah K Theise

11  April 2008

Rules for Couples:

What is a definition of Marriage?

It is defined as,” the union of a man and woman to live together as husband and wife according to the standard set out in the holy scriptures. Marriage is a divine institution. It provides for intimate relationship between husband and wife along with a feeling of security because there is a climate of love and because a personal commitment has been made by each mate. When establishing marriage God did so not only to provide a close companion who would be a compliment of man but also to make provision for producing more humans and doing so with a family arrangement.”

 What can help to Improve a Marriage? 

If you are a christian the following elements can be very helpful .

  1. Studying God’s Word together and praying to God for help in resolving problems.

  2. Appreciating the principle of headship. This puts a heavy responsibility on the husband. It also calls for earnest effort on the part of the wife. This point is a turn around in the 21st century where women are fighting for equality and men are opting to be wives. One reason why the rate of divorce it so high.

  3. Confining sexual interest to one’s  mate. Loving concern for the needs of the one’s mate can help to safeguard that one against temptation to wrong-doing. The bible confirms this in Proverbs 5:15-21 and Heb 13:4. 

  4.  Speaking in a kindly, considerate manner to each other, avoiding outbursts of anger, nagging, and hash critical remarks. ( Ephesians 4:31-32, Proverbs 15:1)

  5.  

     Being Industrious and dependable in caring for the family’s dwelling place and clothing, also in preparing wholesome meals. ( Titus 2:4) 

  6.  

     Humbly applying Bible Counsel whether you feel that the other one is doing everything he should or not. 

  7.  

     Giving attention to the development of personal qualities 

  8.  

     Providing needed Love, training, and discipline for the children ( in case where there are children)

      The the counselor’s point of view on marriage and relationships?

The best stories have conflict and so do the best marriages, According to  Bonnie Eaker Weil, PHD who is a relationship therapist in New York City, and she has an amazingly high success rate with clients, Ninety-eight percent of couples she counsels end up staying together. Bonne notes that adultery is the most common in relationships in which the partners are”too polite” to fight. Without conflict, there is no passion, but people need to know to fight right. Bonnie has an unusual approach to handling disputes. We will get back to her approach later.

Bonnie’s tested guide:

 (i) Make an appointment to talk with your spouse about a given issue. Early evening is the best. Don’t make it for just before bed time, during a meal, while drinking alcoholic beverages or while out on a date.

(i) One person should talk and other just listen during your appointment. The listener must suppress his/her own responses and wear an emotional bulletproof vest so that he takes in the information without taking things personally. ( he will get a turn to talk later on, so be patient)

(iii) Talk for no more than 10 minutes. Honor the other person’s feelings, motivations and accomplishments while expressing your needs in emphatic, loving language.

Example: If the issue is that your husband seems to work too much, tell him that you respect what he is doing and his role as a provider and that you love him for it.

(iv) Avoid Words that wound. Criticism, sarcasm and contempt are out of-bounds.

(Vi) Suggest Several options for solving the problem- say, a regular Saturday night date or a time when both of you can be together, away from cell phones and other interruptions.

(Vii) Have  the Listening spouse repeat what he has heard. Bonnie says that the spouse should mirror not only the request for change but also any praise. You really should wait the 24 hours- the listening spouse then validates your feelings ” understand how you feel” and either chooses a course of action or asks for his own turn to speak.

(Viii) Link the end of the quarrel to a positive – reconnect physically with a long hug or kiss, cuddling, etc. The action serves as a bridge to reconciliation and stimulates the same brain chemicals as failing in love. Bonnie’s routine is to dance around the house with her husband, which helps them focus on a shared fun instead of the disagreement.

Important:  Give up the idea of winning. If one person wins and the other loses, both of you lose.

Ref: Rabbi Zeilig Pliskin in a book – Harmony with others 

 Keep this Notes you may need them one day.

Thanks a trillion .

Belliah K Theise

 

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